Tbh, whether you’re 15, 25 or 45 there’s always going to be a couple of people who’ve always got some quirky counselling ventures to conduct with you. Unfortunately, it’s usually that ‘couple’ of people that you can’t ignore. But don’t you worry my friends. I’ve had enough experience in this area over the past 19 years and I bring to you the “Ways to achieve Nirvana”.
Here’s the advice you’ve all been waiting for.
Also, Welcome to the community of happy people.
Step 1: Stay Low-key
I know you’ve been waiting for over a year for that new XBOX. I know you waited so many years to finally get that new bike and if you’re from south Bombay I know you’ve wanted the new Boeing 777 all your life. (That’s right, I get you rich folks. I understand your troubles too. To all the South Bombay and South Delhi girls; I know the importance of that new Maybelline Mascara. Oh, and btw I don’t dislike the new apple watches. Just saying.)
Right, the deal is that even the people on the other side know you’ve waited so long. So, the smart thing to do at this point in time is to bring it up once in a while and then leave the conversation. Don’t talk too much. Don’t show your desperation. Keep is ‘casz’ guys. It’s like going on a first date with a girl you really like. You’ve got to act maturely. Stop acting like the 5-year-old you become every time you like something. Please stop it right now.
So act as you care about what they’re saying.
Step 2: Don’t talk logic
You might think logic is one of the strong points in your personality, well you aren’t writing a personality test here, buddy. It’s worse. You don’t know what you’re up against.
So the moment you feel like justifying the situation you’re in, STOP RIGHT THERE. Since we’ve already established that you’re keeping it casual, you’ve got to start acting like it doesn’t really matter. Bringing logical points to justify yourself displays your personal involvement and the love bond you share with whatever you want.
With the people on the other side, its always going to be about how perfectly you can master the art of “emotional blackmailing”. That’s right. It’s an art.
Step 3: Don’t think of them as your friend
How sad would your life be if your best friend is your mom? Try saying that in front of your friends and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
If you ever hear the words “Its okay honey, I’m here. We’re friends. C’mon you can tell me anything” an alarm should start ringing inside your head. Something’s wrong.
Start debugging. It’s a trap. Don’t panic and start step by step. Try to remember the last time you were fighting with your parents. Because everything was fine then. Everything was Normal. Start from there and come crawling to where you are. You’ll surely find something. And if you do this well enough the Intelligence Bureau might just recruit you for your detective skills.
Step 4: Texting in front of your parents, that’s a NO-NO
Even a little is wrong. It’s taboo. Keep it in your head. Even if you’re using your phone for a little while, you’ve already been on your phone since the last hour.
If there’s something really important like if there’s a nuclear war and you’re Donald Trump, you can keep the phone under the dining table and you can text your best friend Vladimir to stop flirting with Melissa. And No, you can’t talk to your Model friends right now. But make sure you’re not caught texting. Because if you are, half of the world’s population will vanish because your mom wanted to “make America dread again”.
Step 5: Watch over-the-top Bollywood Drama Films. Go right now. I’m not kidding.
Please tell me you’ve watched Baghban with your parents at least once in your lifetime. I don’t care if you’re German or French or British. Somehow that movie displays the struggles of every parent in the world. You’ve got to start liking that movie and praise the BS acting that has been done in the movie. If you haven’t watched the movie I know the first words out of your mouth will be “what the actual duck”.
But don’t say that out loud. Or you can say it but to everyone, it must sound like “amazing, so relatable and so close to reality, I loved the movie. Mom, Dad we should watch this every Sunday ”
Step 6: Don’t let your parents read this article.
You don’t show your game strategy to the opponent team. Get that?
Make sure nobody from your family reads this. In fact, make sure when you’re reading this, you’re somewhere in a galaxy far far away or the least you can do is turn off the lights and sit in the room alone. READ. JUST READ. And then turn the lights on.
Follow these steps to the letter and you’ll be safe and sound.
Congratulations my friend, now you’re the ideal son/daughter. And you’re doing everything right. Your parents are proud of you and last month when you kept the AC on for one whole chilly Kashmir day, that wasn’t stupid at all. You can literally do anything with your life now.
You can even study Arts if you’re into that stuff.
After going through with this sacred process, you’re going to be like
And I’m going to be like
And yes, Anupam Kher loves SPark. He loves to get featured here.